Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
