i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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