So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
