just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
