I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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