btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
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