I faked an abortion last night.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
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I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
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