o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
