i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
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I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
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Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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