She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
