remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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