im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
