i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
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