I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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