I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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