Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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