It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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