By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
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I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
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Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
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