Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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