Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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