I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
no you cant smoke seaweed
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Randomize
