he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
i would punch a child for taco bell
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
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