I think my fart just growled at me.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
