Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
Pants 0. Shit 1.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
