mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
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every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
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I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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