My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
