definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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