Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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