i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Come share oat with me in your robe
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize