I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
