Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
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