dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
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