The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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