The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
How external is "for external use only"?
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
