Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
