I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
