Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
