i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
