I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Randomize
