he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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