he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Randomize
