captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
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