In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
