I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
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