Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
