I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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