I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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