Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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