I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
