Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
