I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
