you guys were way drunker than both of me
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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