Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize
