Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Hippo gnu deer
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
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