I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
