He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
