if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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