thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
